Why Write it?

Who would have guessed that twenty six years after Louis had gone to the Lord that I would begin putting this story on paper.   For the last few months, I’ve thought of nothing else and this story has been in my subconscious mind, over and over.  Sometimes I’ve awakened thinking about what I would say and what I could say that would perhaps alleviate some other mother’s pain. 

This story is one of a mother’s heart, a mother’s love and a mother’s sorrow.  Out of sorrow there comes a sense of peace and even joy.  Feelings that cannot be explained flood in.  My intention in telling this story is to help some other mother, some other parent, to see that no matter what season you’re in, there is a light on the other side, an end to the darkness.

This book is dedicated to the memory of my little boy, Louis, to the people and circumstances the Lord has put in my path throughout these twenty six years and to the many, many blessings that have come from the experience.

Thank you, God for allowing me to tell the story.

Holding on to the Good

Source: flickr.com via Stacy on Pinterest

I want to hold on to those looks, because it’s the good times mixed with the bad that circle my brain.  Every single day, I take from the background. a good memory.  I need the good memories to erase the ones I don’t want to remember, the ones that are still vivid, still present, still wake me up. The natural order of the universe has been disturbed.  After all, we are supposed to grow old and our children are supposed to visit with our grandchildren.  I never really imagined that I would have to experience losing my child or that I would be expected to go on as if nothing had happened, as if he hadn’t even been here.

As a mother we need to hold on to every look that we were given.  The suttle eyebrow raising, the faint smiles that we receive. We really don't treasure these moments as much as we should but as they always say we don't miss until we don't have. Yes I am slowly replacing any bad memories with the memories of the good looks.  I want to close my eyes and erase, tubes, blood dripping and respirations that are labored.  I want to close my eyes and see the suttle smiles, the eyebrow raising when one is puzzled or the look of surprise on his face when the unexpected approaches, or the thrill of hitting a baseball, or riding his bike for the first time. 
These are the days that I hold on to, the looks, the happiness, the brightness of the day. 
          

Smile if you Dare

Source: imgfave.com via Jessica on Pinterest

I'm searching for quotes today, quotes to uplift.  I came accross hundreds of quotes that are supposed to be uplifting, quotes to make me smile.  Anyone can fake a smile we do it everyday.  Sometimes we smile when we can't do anymore crying.  How can you continue to cry?  You're body can empty itself from water, dehydration sets in.  Sometimes we smile for a lack of anything else.  Have you ever smiled when your heart was bursting with tears? 
If I say, ‘I will forget my complaint, I will change my expression, and smile,’
Job 9:26-28
Sometimes the only thing I can do is smile because I'm dehydrated and all the tears have been dried up.  Crying can be overated.  This message on the sign says it all for me.  What we see depends mainly on what we look for.  This is true, because I have found that we can say and do many times over but unless we're willing to see it we can't really do anything with it.  We can't get move forward through our tears until we forget our complaint, we can't change our expression and smile.  God always knows the best thing to say to us and His word is full of those sayings.  It was only after the quieting of my tears that I've been able to see beyond this veil of sorrow.  Could I have done it any sooner?  Probably not, the process is long, no quick fixes.  Do I sometimes find myself under the same veil, absolutely?  I'm human, I'm far from being healed, sometimes closer than others.  One step backwards can bring me to two steps forward.  Sometimes I have to go back to get to the next step. 

I love pictures, quotes, words of encouragement.  God has sent many of tools along the way.  He never fails me, I can always turn to His word and He will guide me to just the right quote, just the right passage.  No today I can truely say that my smile doesn't have to be fake.  I don't have to succomb to the darkness of the tears.  I can climb out of the dark place and see the goodness of the day.  I can truely forget my complaing and change my expression, and smile. 

Thanks be to God!

The Look

Source: Uploaded by user via Leigh on Pinterest

He’s eight years old today.  A mother loves to look at her son, to give him all the gifts an eight year old boy enjoys.  Today is a special day at the California Angels stadium; it’s the day Rod Carew is supposed to beat the record of home      I as the mother, look over at my eight year old boy.  He’s curled up on the seat, his slight frame chilled from the wind.  I see that for a moment he pretends he isn’t sick, doesn’t have pain, doesn’t feel colder than all the rest.     He gives me that look that only a son can give his mother.  He turns his head slightly, with an impish grin, and throws me a kiss, with a wink and a slight sparkle in his eye.  I think about that look, I close my eyes and I think about that look.  It’s been twenty-six years since I’ve seen it.

Note:  The look, is one of the first things I think about when I see Louis.  He had a way with the look.  Not many words just a look.  I miss it.  I think about a baby dreaming about playing baseball.  I think about what accomplishments he would have made.  Would he had been a baseball player, maybe not.  From a young age he loved baseball, that's why even in sickness we were at the Angel
game that day.  He wanted to erase the sickness and replace it with a good memory, a baseball game.  The picture to me symbolizes what a child may dream of, what a mother might dream about for her son.  So sweet, so innocent, so many lessons for a mother to learn about her son.  "Even in sickness he looked for the good, for something better, something more encouraging like who would win the game.  Louis lived his life to the best of his ability, pushing through pain, through one more disappointing day.  He didn't let that get the better of him, he wasn't too busy to give me the look.  He focused on something better, something more hopeful.  Yes, I miss the look, it was comforting, it gave me hope, it gave me peace.  I look for those looks in my other children, in my grandchildren, in complete strangers.  The looks matter.  Treasure them.

The Beginning

Source: leilockheart.me via Karene on Pinterest

How do you know when your life will come to a screaching halt?  Well it's my experience that you don't.  No one can tell you how to feel, how to feel about how you feel, what to do when the rug is pulled out from under your feet and what tomorrow will bring.  During the grief process you can either choose to bury it or go through it.  It's taken me 26 years to get to this point. I'm in no way a counselor.  I'm not qualified to tell you how you should feel, or what will be your next move.  That's my disclaimer and I'm sticking to it.  I started this blog to listen, to learn and to scream out some of my experiences.  Losing a child is not the natural order of things.  One doesn't ever think that they will have to experience the loss of a child.  After all the law of averages is expected to be followed.

The beginning of every project is the hardest to fullfill.  How do I get started?  What will I say that will be worthwhile hearing?  Can I make a difference in anyone's life?  Do I want to make a difference in anyone's life?  Should I make a difference in anyone's life?  I don't know the answers to any of these questions.  I just know that I feel driven to write this book, to bring to full circle all my experiences on this journey.  If someone finds any of the words helpful than so be it.  I believe that God is going to use my experience to reach someone, even if it's only one mother to know that it's okay to feel what your feeling, to do what your doing, to shed the tears that your sheding and to cling on to the hope that your hoping.  It's okay to talk, to speak about the pain, the memories, the anger and the heartache that you're feeling today, that you felt yesterday and the resolution that you might succomb to at any given moment.  It's okay for you to be a mother. 

Yes the beginning of the project is always the hardest.  When you teach something to someone the first lesson is always the hardest because there is zero understanding at that moment.  By the time you get to the end of the project you can share the joy of the journey.  That is what my desire is for this book, to share the ending, the joy of the project. 

May all your journeys be a continuous journey, and that although painful at the beginning there will be a joy along the way. 

Sharing the Word from A Mother's Heart

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Source: Uploaded by user via Sue on Pinterest

I started this blog to help myself and others heal through the power of the word.  If you've ever had a loss in your life, a child, a spouse or a loved one, a friend you know what I'm talking about.  During the blog I will attempt to bring you through my story, the loss of a child.  Knowing and loving your child for nine short years and having to give him up to an illness you have no control over is devastating.  I hope that my story will prompt someone out there to also write their story and to help you to solve some of your own questions.

I remember some of the words that people have spoken to me in the past that we're less than comforting.  My wish for you as you read this blog and consider buying my book is that my words will somehow be comforting.  If they are not than I apologize up front.  Everyone can find something decearning about what someone else says if they want to.  I remember once that a pastor that I had just met said something to me that I took great offense to.  Later, after I got to know him better I understood what he was trying to tell me.  At the moment I wasn't very happy with his response.  Years later there was a good deal of validity to what he expressed to me that day, I just wasn't ready to hear it. 

If anything I say startles, confuses, or makes you angry don't be surprised.  You may not be ready to receive it in this moment.  Just tuck it away and take it out later on, sometime in the future and reexamine it at that time.  Things may look differently then, just like it did for me oh, I don't know five or ten years later.  You can't know how much time it will take for you to see a little piece of reality.  Be patient with yourself, you are not alone.