The Season of Birthdays

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It seems that the birthdays are so abundant during the summer months.  Yesterday we went to a birthday party at a long time friends house.  So many children, all of my grandchildren were there.  Both of my daughters and their spouses were there.  I suppose that there are many summer birthdays because of those snuggly winter nights. 

I was reminded of how much love surrounds a birthday party, young and old.  Louis' birthday was a summer birthday.  June 8th, 1976 was his birthday.  I remember his birthday well as being my easiest, fastest labor even though he was my biggest baby.  Ten pounds, three ounces and twenty two inches long.  My last daughter was longer but did not weigh the extra three ounces. 

Even though he only had nine birthdays, he was no different than any other little boy.  He loved the joy, the love that surrounded him by family and friends during these times.  He loved his new bike, or his baseball mit.  He even loved those clothes that he would receive on a birthday.  Toys and games, especially toys to do with dragons or cars were his favorite.

Yesterday as I watched our friends little boy open his presents it reminded me of the joy that surrounds a day called birthday.  It's all about the love, the friends, the family the people that make up the wondrus happiness that completes the circle. 

Little boys are so special, the jumping, the shouting, the chasing their brothers and friends.  They are mysterious and explode with excitement on their special day.  There is nothing dainty about their actions, they shout and tell us what they want.

Thank God for birthdays, for special days that bring together a combination of friends and family to share in the joy and happiness of little boys and girls.  I am forever grateful for these days, in my memories and in my present life.

Pink, Pink and Some More Pink

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Today is another pink Saturday.  I'm pretty pink today on this reminiscing highway that I'm on.  I've just finsihed three graduations in the last two days and I'm reminded of how life comes in a circle.  Within this circle there are days that stand out.  Some are joyous and some are not.  We can look forward to the joyous ones with anticipation and we can fold back the ones that are not so joyous.  We can tuck those days underneath the ones that are joyous, not forgetting them, just tucking them way into a different color of our hearts. 

I'm choosing to make this a pink day because pink is a more cheerful color in my circle.  I'm striving to fill the center of that circle with a pinker heart than yesterday.  One step at a time, one shade at a time, as my pinkness slowly returns. 

Earlier this weekend I shared that my little boy didn't get to graduate, and I didn't get to enjoy that graduation.  On the pinker side of that thought, I did have other memories of his laughter, his boyness and his love.  He always had a look for that love and always shared those looks with his mother's heart.  Those are the pink moments for me when I'm reminiscing.

This week I had the distinct blessing of seeing my grandson, John, graduate from Middle School, my granddaughter Stephanie, graduate from High School, and my granddaughter Harley, graduate from Grade School.  A trilogy of pink events, full of excitement,  and all the joyous moments that fill some of the not so pink spaces in my heart.  These moments seek to replace other darker moments and open the heart to share the brightness of the day. 

Ladies and gentlemen as you go forth on this week, consider the pinkness that surrounds you.  Consider the beautiful array of flowers that will open up any dark shades that are inside of your circle.  Those darker sides deserve to move over and expand the joy that can be in your heart today.  All that is pink is just waiting for you to discover it.  May your heart be filled with the joy that this day will bring and that any sadness you feel will succomb to a new color, the color of pink. 

The Circle Continues

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This morning I get the pleasure of going to my Grandson's eight grade graduation.  Many times over the years he has reminded me of Louis.  Well, we're all related so we all resemble each other in some ways.  He's all boy, vivacious, walks on walls, and every narrow path.  Louis was all of that even though most times sick and didn't feel like it.  I wonder what kind of man he would have grown up to be.  I have three grandsons and three granddaughters so it seems and equal amount of hormones floating in the air.

Sometimes I look back and think of how thrilled Louis would have been to have a nephew.  He would have been glad to play cars with him or to help him make a bike jump in the desert land that John lives on.  Now, today John has taken one more step to becomming a grown up.  He's graduating from Jr. High oh boy and all the next road adventures are on the way. 

The learning to drive, the first serious girl friend, the deciding what he wants to be when he grows are all decisions he might face during these next four years.  Louis never had to face these decisions.  I can see the good and the bad in that statement.  It took me an eternity to get to this point, but in retrospect John is only 13 soon to be 14 so that's how many years it's taken me. 

I'm thinking of the opportunities that we are missing at our untimely departure.  Louis didn't get to learn to drive a car, have his first serious girl friend or enjoy having a nephew.  As a matter of fact going back to the look, I remember one in his hospital bed during those final days.  I was on the cot that I spent many hours on, next to him.  The Iv's were raging, the machines beeping, both of us tuning them out.  We were watching Wheel of Fortune and Louis looked over at me, "I'll never have children."  Nine years old, so wise.  I quietly reached out my hand and squeezed his fingers.  I didn't want to acknowledge his wiseness.  I just wanted to be his mom.

Today I will watch my grandson take another step toward manhood.  He will be one step closer in the big circle.  I'm proud of him because he's struggled along the way.  He's the only boy in a family of sisters.  We come from a long family of looks, a glance here and there, that tells a mother and a grandmother what they are thinking, where their hearts are for the moment.  Today I will be looking for that look.  If I'm studious I might get a glimpse of the past.

Remembering the Shows

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What is there about watching a popular television show that makes me think of him and the past?  Maybe the reasons I think about him when I'm watching a show is because I remember some of the shows he liked.  My daughter Celena and I can remember the movies we would have to endure because after all he had to have his way sometimes.  Movies that involved dragons, or super heroes were among the favorites.  One of my favorite shows is American Idol, just regular people with spectacular gifts looking for a shot at a fantastic future. 

Louis was no stranger to dreaming.  I remember his Michael Jackson phase.  Or was it just the glove he was loving to mimic?  He would put an ordinary garden glove on, just one you know, and tie some piece of rag around his head.  One day we were at my mom's and he had his garb on and he wanted to go to the grocery store with his Grandma.  Well she took one look at the outfit and she said, "I'm sorry but you can't go with me with that glove and head piece on."  He looked at her with his long eyelashes and said, "Why Grandma, I want to be like Michael Jackson.  I can be famous too."  She laughed but she still wouldn't let him wear the famous gear, she merely answered, "you don't need that."  He hung his head but he wanted to go to the store more than having the gear, so off they went without Michael. 

Today we continue to have our favorite shows, our favorite stars and our favorite dreams about being famous.  There's a little of that in everyone, young or old.  People watch shows like American Idol because they want to be entertained, they want to dream a little about something that most likely won't happen for them.  There's so many shows springing up like this show because there's a disease of dreaming for something more special than the humdrum world we live on a daily basis. 

Life is not as humdrum as we think.  We don't look around us like a little child does and capture some of the days little miracles.  How about that smile you received from a complete stranger while waiting in the grocery store line?  How about the gal in the coffee shop who decided to share with you where she bought her outfit?  Don't we all miss all the opportunities that come our way to make us feel like we're a little more than insignificant. 

Our children are no strangers to dreaming, no strangers to looking for the good in ever situation.  Pretending like they are slaying dragons or sitting down to a tea party with there sister and making the best of the situation.  For goodness sake a brother that will play wedding with  you and marry the girl down the street because he's being a good sport especially when he's dressed up as the bride because his eyelashes are better than yours is worth his weight in goal, famous for a day, all over the neighborhood. 

So today when I look back at how famous was he, I know the answer, infamous to me, infamous to me.  I capture the meaning of dreaming, because dreaming about him is all I have today, dreaming and movies in my heart.

The Beginning No Ending

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In the circle of life there is no ending because the ending comes back to the beginning.  The circle can be small or large.  Some people live short lives on this earth and some people live long lives on this earth.  Some people are in the middle.  We can never know what those days will bring or what they won't.  Only God knows the number of hairs on our head and the day of our departure from this earth.  Even drug addicts, people who are suffering from long time illnesses do not know. 

How do I come to this revelation?  It's simple. I watched the waiting game so many times in Louis' short life.  I watched him wonder many times while in the hospital.  I wondered for him sometimes hour by hour in the young days of his life. 

When Louis was about four years old he told me a story.  We had just moved to New Orleans and we're still unpacking.  The television was set up and some show came on talking about out of body experiences.  Louis turned to me and said, "I did that."  "You did what?" I answered.  "I came out of my body."  "Oh baby, you didn't."  "Yes mommy, when I had surgery."  "The man in white came and held my hand and said I couldn't go with him, it wasn't time."  I stood there with my mouth opened and had no reply.  He was talking honestly and forthright to me.  He was absolutely positive, I could see it in his eyes. I went over to him and gave him a quick hug, a tear in my eye.  "Why are you crying, mommy?"  I answered, "I'm not, I love you, my baby, I love you." 

I turned off the television and sent him to play in his new room.  His big sister Celena was by his side as always and later she asked me, "What was Louis talking about, mommy? "I'm not sure baby, I'm not sure."  "We can't worrry about it."  I gave her a hug and said, "Do you like you're new room?"  She smiled at me and skipped off to play with her brother. 

God meets us, even when we're young.  He's always there with us, every single day of our life in the beginning and the end forever and through eternity.  His word tells us that He never leaves us.  He's there beside us, guiding us and holding our hand.  He's so real, so defining that even small children remember the experience. 

That was a day I never can forget, can't get out of my mind even so many years later.  Why because God wants me to remember that He was there with Louis, through surgery, through any indecision he might have felt through that experience.  He was there holding his hand and guiding him to where he needed to be at that moment, comforting him and speaking to him.  I have comfort when I think of that experience because I know when the circle of life on this earth came to the fullness that Louis was comforted by the fact that God was there with him.  I'm sure that his hand was being held and guided towards his next journey.  He was there with him that day in surgery an He's there with him now. 

May all our experiences in life be comforted with the fact that we are not alone!  I rest in that thought every day, through the trials of life and it brings me peace, peace, peace.

Getting the Pink in My Heart

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Well, it's Saturday again, pink, red, rosy hot today and I'm in a Starbucks, the cool of the morning,
the joggers the bike riders and the coffee drinkers are all here with me.  This morning I observed my daughter and what it's like to have small children close together in age.  There isn't time to just relax and enjoy the joggers, the bikers or the coffee at a Starbucks.  There's diapers to be changed and breakfast to be served.  When one gets his breakfast the other one decides it's time for the bottle.  Whew, what a work out.  Thanks pink lovers for enjoying my picture and my blog a couple of Saturday's ago.  I'm partial to pink and love to express the joy of the pink on many occasions. 

I started thinking of all the meanings of the color pink and what can be done with the color today.  I went on the internet our favorite search engine and started looking up all the definitions of pink. Of course one of the first of those searches revealed what Wikapedia has to say about pink.  Now in college I was never allowed to use this website because I was never told why just that I couldn't use it.  However I believe in this case they hit it on the nailhead.  They describe pink as being just a hint of red.  I suppose in most cases that would be true but what if you are looking at hot pink, a darker shade, magenta which could be a mixture of white and red to bring that purple hue.  Anyway you look at it pink has been the favorite color of little girls and many women for years. 

I've been trying to get my heart back to the color of red, a deeper shade of pink.  You see when my son passed away I describe the draining of the heart as having the blood drained and the color absent.  The loss of pink, the absense of color.  Today, I'm able to look at the color and to understand that it takes a great deal of time to replenish the heart.  Time is a healer of the rosy color.  When the life is drained from your body you don't see the color of pink, or green, or red, or blue.  You just see the blank color of the world, the black and white of it.  

The world is full of well wishers who want to help.  Most of the time I found that their words did not help and certainly did not heal.  Words like, "You'll be okay, you'll get over it, He's in a better place, You have other children, You'll see it will be okay, You can have another baby, Time will heal you, God is always there, when He closes a door, He opens a window.  There is an endless parade of well wishng words, which in my opinion do not even penetrate the hardness of the darkness that we succomb to.  The heart is shattered and it's going to take a lot more pink moments to overcome the black and white of it.  It's going to take a lot more rosy smiles to replace the black and white.  Hell it's taken me twenty six years to even get back to a pink Saturday, to come to a Starbucks and actually smile, look at the bikeriders, the coffee drinkers and enjoy all the pink moments I had with my little boy. 

On this Saturday, I'm tresuring that I can look back on the bike rides, the baseball, the school work, the friends, the glances, the kisses goodnight, the stories, the little white lies, the adventures and the hugs of a nine year old.  I can look back on the baby cries, the bottles being fed and the diapers being changed.  I can give thanks to the nine years that he was in my life and I can get back to the pink of it instead of the stark colors of the black and white. 

On this Saturday my day is filled with the pink love of a mother.  Hot pink, light pink, magenta and red.  The heart is full of the joy of the pinkness of the day!  Enjoy you're Saturday.



I'm linking to Pink Saturday.

MORNING THE PINK OF IT

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What is it about Morning that makes me think of Louis?  What is it about morning that makes me think about the day, the day's events?  Morning is peaceful to me.  It takes away any bad memories that I might have about the later in the day events and how tired I am in the evening.

On page 172 of Howl at the Moon

Early In The Morning

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Early in the morning, the world is slowly spinning,
Not as hard and fast as it spins in later day.
Early in the morning the world is solely quiet,
not as noisy and as hectic as it is in later day.

My mind is full of words and can be opened without distraction,
Cause once I set my life out,
the day is not my own.
The day belongs to my employer, my children and my cell phone.

So early in the morning, I can claim my name to fame,
with the words as they pop from my fingers.
With a leap and a bound from the early morning sounds,
that tumble on the ground with gentle waves of dreams,
once captured here and tamed.

The early morning captures all that I once thought of being,
Of youth, of love, of songs once sung.
The later sounds are blurred as they swirl faster than the time,
but the early morning sounds keep rhythm with my heart.
As if to say, "Hold on to me, and show me that you care,"
For all the words come tumbling,
from my fingertips with ease,
and my mind belongs to me with a quiet, gentle peace.

Good morning bloggers.  Linda Bowden

Many articles about grief!!!!

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I wanted to see what other people think about grief or the recovery of grief.  I scanned the internet and looked at many articles.  One that caught my eye was listed under Hot Newspaper Articles.  The article is written by author Robin Renee Bridges who written several books and many articles.  She is a Chaplain and definitely more qualified than I to council someone about grief.  In her article she describes the passing of your loved one as not being gone but closer than you think.  I believe that because that loved one never really leaves your heart.  In my book " A Mother's Heart" I explain how Louis is close to me, everyday.  A mother never really departs from her child, and he or she can never really depart from her.  We carry them in our hearts forever.  I can't imagine any mother ever not knowing that her child remains in her thoughts, in her daily thoughts, or her heart. I've been with my Louis for all the years that he has left this world. I often see a smile in someone's face, usually one of my grandchildren. A mannerism reminds me of him, the way they lay on the floor and watch TV, the look that they send my way and the wonderful memories that I carry in my mind. I wish every single hour of the day a way to be able to physically see him but for me I have to be satisfied with the fact that he is only in my memories and I have to understand that he's happy. I have to know in my heart and believe what the bible tells me that he's happy. He doesn't have anymore pain, he doesn't have anymore unhappiness and I have to believe that his heart is full of my love.