Holding on to the Good

Source: flickr.com via Stacy on Pinterest

I want to hold on to those looks, because it’s the good times mixed with the bad that circle my brain.  Every single day, I take from the background. a good memory.  I need the good memories to erase the ones I don’t want to remember, the ones that are still vivid, still present, still wake me up. The natural order of the universe has been disturbed.  After all, we are supposed to grow old and our children are supposed to visit with our grandchildren.  I never really imagined that I would have to experience losing my child or that I would be expected to go on as if nothing had happened, as if he hadn’t even been here.

As a mother we need to hold on to every look that we were given.  The suttle eyebrow raising, the faint smiles that we receive. We really don't treasure these moments as much as we should but as they always say we don't miss until we don't have. Yes I am slowly replacing any bad memories with the memories of the good looks.  I want to close my eyes and erase, tubes, blood dripping and respirations that are labored.  I want to close my eyes and see the suttle smiles, the eyebrow raising when one is puzzled or the look of surprise on his face when the unexpected approaches, or the thrill of hitting a baseball, or riding his bike for the first time. 
These are the days that I hold on to, the looks, the happiness, the brightness of the day.